I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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