I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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