seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
