Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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