Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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