Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
