there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
