Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
