My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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