It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
