I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
soo... how was my night?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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