We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
