I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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