We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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