I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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