My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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