if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
