My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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