I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
