Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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