maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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