it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
