do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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