i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
