Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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