i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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