wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
