You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
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I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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