i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
