every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
