he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
