Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
