dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.