did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.