i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..