Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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