saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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