My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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