is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
