i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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