WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
