after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
