I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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