so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
