And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
