he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
