first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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