your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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