my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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