I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Randomize
