I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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