I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
