He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oh god it's open bar.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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