so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
