its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
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Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dicks are not precious.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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