One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
